Not now, Miley, there's a good programme on TV
Do you think it's time us oldies reassured the youngsters that we don't spend our lives wanting to jump on their bones?
Explain to them that we are very sorry, it's not them, it's tired old us, but being born circa 1985 doesn't automatically make them love magnets.
Yes it's all very nice that they don't yet have bingo wings, belly fat and all the other battle scars us middle-agers are fighting a losing battle against, but it would takes more than the sight of lithe limbs to drag us away from Doc Martin.
No matter how sexy it looks on screen, if some 20-year-old Miley Cyrus wannabe started twerking in front of your average older dad on a real dance floor he'd run a two-minute mile.
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For goodness sake, I've got plates older than the Hannah Montana actress. Probably underwear too if I rummage around enough.
Yet there seems to be this tacit acceptance these days that given a lottery win and half a chance, anyone over 40 would spend their lives running after bits of trouser or skirt half their age.
Given the images we are constantly bombarded with, young people could be forgiven for thinking there's a potential cougar in every pair of Crocs and all chinos contain a dirty old man. That grey means we want to grope when all we want to do is garden.
At one time it was just much maligned, middle-aged men ridiculed for chasing every pretty, young girl who crossed their path. Who can forget Kevin Spacey as Lester Burnham, the pathetic writer infatuated with his teenage daughter's friend, in American Beauty?
Now it's women. One decade we are harmlessly giggling over guys stripping down to their undies in launderettes to advertise Levis, the next we are being labelled cougars and sugar mammas.
It's our own fault. I've recently returned from a Turkish resort where it's the young men who pose on the beach, swallow dive from cliffs, dance on bars, frolic in foam and flirt constantly to net an older, richer female holiday-maker.
Harmless fun? Your answer probably depends on whether you think Hooters is: (A) a pleasant, family burger bar; (B) a sleazy, sexist joint that belittles grown men by making them seem creepy.
If Selena Scott gets upset about women being cast out of the BBC when their age exceeds their bra size, why should these young men rely on the right pec to waist ratio to keep their low-paid bar jobs?
When men go to Thailand it's sex tourism. When it's women chasing the gigolos of Europe, the Kuta Cowboys of Bali, the Bumsters of Gambia or looking for some sanky panky in Jamaica it's called "romance travel".
But whatever you call it, older, wealthier people of either sex taking advantage of poor youths belittles and embarrasses us all.
What kind of message does it send to our sons and daughters of the same age?
Another week, another wedding where the stepmum is centre of attention.
Sian Lloyd's friends have been speaking to the press about how she was "flabbergasted" to be uninvited to the wedding between her stepdaughter Suzanne Ashman and Euan Blair because of spat with the mother of the bride.
Yet looking at the pictures, there is a much more important lesson to be learned from this wedding of identikit political clones than whether or not it it was right for husband Jonathan Ashman to go without her.
Mothers and fathers of the bride and groom really do need to take some lessons from their sons and daughters before the wedding photographers arrive. Cherie Blair looks awful in every shot.
It's not just her age, it's her lop-sided grin. Any self-respecting teenager would have learned to disguise it long ago. Even if they are 5ft 2in and weigh 20 stone they know how to make themselves look like Lily Cole.
While older people are always caught gurning because they want it over with quick, young people automatically go into model mode if there's a Canon within a five-mile radius.
We may laugh but they know it's worth looking like an idiot for five minutes in front of the camera to ensure you look forever good in cyberspace.
And yes, my holiday snaps were horrible.