Janet James: Master the machines, just don't ask for fashion advice
Have you acquired your first ever pink winter coat yet? No! Shame on you. According to some you can't call yourself female unless you have an £85 dusky, duster coat from M&S hanging in the wardrobe, or at least have your name on the waiting list.
Forget what the chromosomes and your birth certificate say. Unless those curves are wrapped in raspberry, rose or any other shade of watered down red by Christmas, you've failed. Call yourself a woman. You might as well give up on the Jolen and grow the moustache right now.
What do you mean you are worried that a pink coat will make you look like a cross between Peppa Pig and Mr Blobby? An allergic reaction to all things Barbie is no excuse. The fashionistas say we have to wrap ourselves in candyfloss, marshmallow and Bazooka Joe bubblegum hues. Don't take my word for it. Ask the world's biggest agony uncle, Google. He'll tell you.
Economics Professor Tyler Cowen is the latest academic to predict cyber domination of our world within 20 years. It may sound a bit Scooby Doo but this is serious stuff and there'll be no pesky kids to save us because they'll be part of it.
The middle classes are so over, says the American guru. Forget strivers and skivers, the world is about to be divided up into a hypermeritocacy where the 15 per cent who accept that machines know best will find a way of using them to their advantage and earn all the money.
The rest, 85 per cent of the world's population, will be losers. If they are lucky they will get to sit at home eating gruel and cursing their mother for being a Western pussycat who taught them to sing Polly Put the Kettle On instead of a Tiger mum who made them learn programming in the pram. The best they can hope for is to become a slave to a Russian oligarch or custodian of Lady Gaga's hats.
Defence Secretary Philip Hammond seems to be on the same wavelength because he says we don't need real soldiers any more. Cyber warriors will soon be able to starve whole nations into submission by hijacking computers and cancelling all the Tesco home deliveries.
Within two decades computer algorithms will know what we want better than we do says Professor Cowen, a 51-year-old chess champion. Well, they might know what a hard-headed economics professor, a decisive defence secretary or a major general wants, but don't ask a computer to deal with ditherer. A pink prevaricator.
"Shall I buy a pink coat?" I asked the world's biggest search engine after reading how it has been fitted with new hummingbird technology to make it more human.
"Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?" it replied before I'd finished typing. Perseverance resulted in a very long list of retailers but computers lie, too. There were no pink coats at Asos.
Let's try the other big question troubling a generation of women at the moment: "Do I buy a biker jacket?"
"Can middle-aged ladies wear biker jackets?" asked one of the websites intelligently, but none of them came close to saying: "I can just see you in black leather" or "What on earth are you thinking?" There wasn't even a hint of "don't waste your money because that trend will be over by Christmas".
As with the pink coats, the only messages seemed to be "buy one" or buy one now. A Saturday girl at New Look could have done better.
Don't get me wrong, we can't underestimate the cyber revolution. But these computers really do need to wise up. If they can't tell me whether I would suit a pink coat or not, how can they answer the real hard questions; do we bomb Syria, for instance?
I don't care if Philip Hammond says the US, Israel, Russia, China and the UK are developing full spectrum military cyber capability. Computer algorithms will never be able to tell humans what we want because most of the time we don't know ourselves. Why else would we demand our political masters show their human side and then accuse them of cashing in on their wife and kids? Why else would we demand affordable homes for our kids but try to stop developers building within 50 miles of our house?
Our contradictions are endless. We even desperately want a pink coat when we don't want one really? That's what makes us human.