Janet James on Cheryl Cole's bottom and ten reasons not to be famous
If ever you had any doubts about not wanting to be famous, take a look at Cheryl Coles' bottom. Seriously, if ever there was proof that fame, fortune and adoring fans don't equal happiness, her buttocks are it.
A beautiful pert derriere covered by a vivid tattoo of black and red roses which stretches from mid-way down her back to her thighs. Boredom? Self harm? She says it's art.
Flicking through the bank holiday news genuine celebrities seem to live in a madhouse.
Here are ten reasons why you don't want to be famous....
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1 How many nice photographs do you have of yourself in a swimsuit? Imagine how Kelly Brook and Kate Moss feel knowing the world wants to see a photograph of you with dimpled thighs. And it's not just women. How is David Cameron going to talk tough in those EU meetings with Angela Merkel knowing his beach belly is probably on the coffee break agenda?
2 Do you really want to get to 71 and have people ask in all seriousness why you don't look the same as you did 50 years ago? That's what happened to Christine Keeler. We were invited to compare the overweight, wrinkled pensioner to the stunning 20 something beauty that sparked the Profumo affair as if it was her fault she got old.
3 Your old man might not be able to afford a £50 million yacht in the south of France for your summer holidays but at least you won't have to share him with a harem of look-a-likes who want to scratch your eyes out. Wouldn't you rather be on a pedalo in the Med with your other half than on Simon Cowell's loveboat with Sinitta, pregnant Lauren Silverman and his bevy of beauties?
4 Don't be famous unless you are prepared to go under the knife and the needle. Silicone enhanced chests are virtually compulsory for everybody but Mary Beard. Apprentice finalist Luisa Zissman was talking grammar and baking on breakfast TV but you couldn't hear what she was saying because her boob job was so loud.
5 Would you be able to handle everybody bitching to the gossip columnists? Tatoo artist Ikko Hurtado let Cheryl's bottom out of her trousers and Simon Pegg had a pop at Ricky Gervais. Graham Norton's former boyfriend Graham Patterson has been dishing up dirt wrapped in complements and Dragon's Den star Duncan Bannatyne called his ex-wife a gold digger on Twitter.
6 Water off a duck's back! Well then, you are on course to lose all sense of reality. Just think, you could end up with diamond teeth like Madonna and nobody would dare say how ridiculous you looked.
7 Being famous seems to mean you end up married to a succession of younger and younger people until you find yourself like Gregg Wallace who is busy explaining his altercation with magazine publisher Paul Bates in the Cotswolds. In one interview he admitted he felt so self-conscious about the age difference with 27-year-old Ane-Marie Sterpini he felt embarrassed to hold her hand in public. If the cap fits Gregg.
8 Fancy being judged on every decision. Tens of thousands of people are currently signing a petition because they don't think the Oscar winner Ben Affleck's acting skills are up to playing Batman. Batman! I ask you. Everybody is looking to Cameron and Obama for an answer on Syria when there isn't one.
9 It's not just barbs you have to look out for. Jeremy Clarkson's family have been approached on the internet by a dangerous stalker and Little Mix star Perrie Edwards has been bombarded with hate messages from One Direction fans after becoming engaged to band member Zayn Malik. Being famous is a dangerous place to be. Just ask John Lennon. Oh sorry, you can't.
10 It's not good for the kids. Madonna's 13-year-old son Rocco Ritchie believes calling your rap band Modoccor because it's you and your mate Dom's name spelt backwards is highly original? How many children of famous people can you think of who are deluded?