Alice Bell Not long now until Christmas
So just five more days until Christmas 2013 then.
Or at least five more days until we see the back of Hallowe'en and the shops will decide that it might as well be Christmas since their shelf space can now be solely used for tinsel and tat.
While we're on that subject, anyone done their Christmas shopping yet?
Of course you haven't.
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Anyone still celebrate Jesus' birthday for Christian reasons? Yeah, don't all rush at once. Personally all I want for Christmas is world peace – and a bit of quiet, away from the decorations, lights and crazed shoppers who will be diving into Primark to buy cheap presents like the sort of clothes that were only ever fashionable with prisoners of war.
Am I getting old?
Of course, when I was young – which feels like it was way back when Moses was practising his 'parting-the-red-sea' gig on a few puddles – I used to get excited about Christmas in September.
It drove my grandparents mad. In fact, my granddad made a rule that every time I said the 'C' word before December 1, my present halved in size.
It never did, unless that Polly Pocket set was originally a pony.
Talking of presents, I am wondering if we'll get a special Kate Middleton fitness DVD this Christmas, given all the hype we had over her iddy-biddy tummy last week.
Or maybe another patronising book from her sister.
The next Pippa Middleton offering to the world of literature will probably be called How to be Auntie to the Future King of England. It will be full of "helpful" hints like: "Step one: Be sister to someone who marries a prince. Step two: Sit back and wait".
When I asked my grandmother what she wanted for Christmas she said "the fountain of youth".
Unfortunately I don't think Santa could find that in the last-minute crush at Argos, although I have discovered some make-up called "Age Rewind".
It promises to make you look five years younger, which in my case means I would be sweet 16 again.
That seems rather a bad idea: why go from fresh-faced young adult to spotty teenager?
I just wish there was something that made you younger in mind.
These days I'm slightly similar to a transsexual in the sense that I feel like a 45-year-old trapped in the body of a 21-year-old.
It's that day when you start thinking about December 25 with a feeling of dread rather than frenzied excitement. That's when you know it's all downhill from here.